Love Hurt

Org ckp tym bercinta best.Semuanya indah...at 1st i agree...mmg best sgt2 till tp bile luv mula mengganas,kita yg terseksa...napa aku ckp camni?sbb aku sendiri yg rasa benda ni semua.
Dulu cinta yang membuatkan aku lari,lari dr semua org yg aku sygi sebab aku x dapat terima kenyataan...dan skrg kena kat aku sekali lagi...kemana lagi aku harus lari...?????mungkin dah tiba masanya aku kembali...kembali ke tempat asal aku.walaupun berat,aku kena hadapinya juga...

aku tak tahu rupanya d zaman IT ,masalah seperti yg aku hadapi ni berlaku jg....aku sendiri keliru..sgt keliru...aku terasa seperti pendatang asing d bumi sendiri.

mungkinkah aku terlalu fikir jauh ke hadapan...aku terlalu leka,terlalu asyik dengan dunia yg aku reka sendiri sehingga aku xsedar benda ni terjadi pada diri aku sendiri.??bodohnya aku..betul..!!! ...aku rasa diri aku terlalu bodoh.

aku terkilan,kenapa dia tak pertahankan cinta kami.kenapa perlu akur dgn segalanya.dia sendiri kata pahit utk dia luahkan semuanya,berat untuk dia terima semuanya...klu berat kenapa x pertahan kan??aku betul2 rasa macam nak gila....

aku tak tahu kenapa semuanya berlaku time aku final...time keja aku berlambak,time jg masalah dtg...x boleh ke lepas aku final bru masalah dtg???maybe ni lh org kata dugaan ....tp kali ni...dugaan ni terlalu berat sbb aku betul2 perlukan support....tapi rasanya...aku perlu hadapi benda ni semua sorg2......

aku xsabar nak meninggalkan dunia asing ini...perlu kah aku ambil jalan yg singkat??....berdosa dan bersalah tolak tepi mungkin.!!!!

Apologize Letter to Yazid Yusop

Dear yazid,

First of all i would like to say a million sorry. Even tough i know this wont changed everything. I'm so sorry cuz being so selfish without thinking 'bout ur feeling.I admit that i'm so stupid cuz i'm acting like that. Since that day, i'm felt so down and i couldn't stop thinking about you.yes,i mad,i'm mad about u. i realize that i should put my ego away.

Yazid,i'm so sory for everything.
I thought i'm strong enough when i faced this situations again but then i realize that i couldn't!!! Maybe i'm the one who is hoping that :we still have us:?///

I'm not strong enough and its very hard to forgetting u...i tried so hard but it seems i cant!!!..Yazid, are u sure this is the best for us?

I'm so sorry yazid.......

Dear Babybee.....

Dear babybee,
before u ended the msg u said this"Amar Makruf Nahi Mungkar"....at 1st, m not understand at all but i tried to find the meaning...thanks for reminding me...thanks for ur concern i appreciate it so much....m so sory cuz i made u upset..sory


Amar Makruf adalah ungkapan
yang membawa erti menyuruh serta
mengajak melakukan perkara-perkara
yang baik, yakni perkara-perkara yang
diperintahkan oleh Allah S.W.T dan
Rasul-Nya serta apa jua perkara yang
tidak menyalahi syariat. Ini
termasuklah melaksanakan lima Rukun
Islam, berakhlak baik, menuntut ilmu,
hidup saling bantu membantu serta
hormat menghormati di antara satu
sama lain, hidup bersatu padu dan
amalan serta sifat lain yang terpuji.

Manakala ungkapan NahiMungkar pula bererti mencegah atau
melarang daripada melakukan perkaraperkara
yang salah atau perkara yang
buruk dan keji, yakni perkara-perkara
yang ditegah oleh Allah dan Rasul-Nya.
Perkara yang salah atau keji di sisi
Islam bukan saja terhad kepada
perbuatan zina, judi, minum arak dan
makan riba, malah apa jua perkara yang
boleh mendatangkan mudarat kepada
kehidupan individu, keluarga,
masyarakat dan umat sejagat adalah
dilarang.

p/s : sory for everything....m not a good girl .....

stupid confession

21 : 21 (24th April 2009)

i made stupid confession again...i told him " I masih syg kat u" but no replied from him... may be i should let go my feeling towards him... it's really hard...pheeeewww...i need more time i guess...


the truth is " Ya, i still in Luv with Him"

a month and 7days

it's very hard to forgive ourselves when we hurt someone that cares us..... ;'(

yup.... I'm the mean one i admit that.....

just wondering " how are u?"

Assignment + Blogging +Surfing = Happy

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms. This post really touched my heart..Mula2 baca..bikin P.A.N.A.S but when it comes to the end of the story...TOUCHED bah sampai terkuar air mata ni....so mcm gatal jak tu tangan mo p copy n paste...yup i did it (hehe...bz jak kan) but this is entry betul2 siok bah dats y lh aku post...oya, this post i found in Sheila blog ...So Mari lh kita MEMBACA..


When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out In Your Arms...


On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.


Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, darling, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, darling; do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

lately....

urmm... m not happy at all....

lately ..... :

aku tido lewat sgt... susa nk lelapkan mata (i'm sory mumy.. cuz xikut ckp mumy...biarlh my eye got"eyed bag" ~who cares~)

aku cepat terasa n my tear senang2 je nak kuar (huhuhu..i don't know y i become too sensitive ~oh o... is tat means old Hanah is comin' back ??? ~)

aku rindu my family specially my mum and nieces, my grandma (i wanna hug u nek) my Avane , n besties ...

aku rasa down sgt2.... malas nk study ( the word QUIT keep spin' in my head)

aku nak lari..... run from everything


09:51:03 p.m. (05/03/09)

made stupid statement/confession ~don't u ever do like that Hanah~
urmm .... actually i expected sumthing else but..... demittt !!!!! it wasn't like what i expected ..

Hanah ..from now on, u take care urself Hanah...u're BIG BIG girl already...
his word is 101 % correct and for sure I WILL REMEMBER THAT

-end-

25/09/08
it will never be the same again

at last ....

i receive his msg around 11.30 on 28/02/09 after a week i guess. the msg was like this

hamzah : hai...tgh wat ape? - 1st msg...

hamzah : dh tido? -2nd msg

aku x reply pon sbb aku xde cdt..yea lh dh lama x top up sbb klu top up pon nak call sepa kan...xde sepa2 kot...so aku biar je lh msg tu ( sory lh ye ... :p ) tp suprise me..he called..then i answered..bermula lah debate antara aku dan dia.....well he admit his mistake tp aku dgn selambanye berkata WHATEVER !!!!! (tone ego ni yg hanya d ketauhi ole org2 yg terdekat) once i said and made tone like that it actually bermaksud :

(1) aku GERAM
(2) aku PANAS HATI
(3) aku mmg panas hati yg teramat sgt

ok back to my coversation ngan dia td... well he did explain nape dia bt mcm 2, boleh diterima lh excuse yg die bagi....hurm??? ntah lh..aku malas nak memanjangkan issues ni kot..
but I've made a huge mistake (i guess) that girl kwn dia je sbenarnye (based on dia lh)...pheww...what a mistake...lalalalala

so kitaorg bt kata sepakat....??sepakat?huhuhu aku yg nakkan mcm 2 kot with the reasons lh of cos....kitaorg jd kwn dulu..start all over again....kwn tuk mengenali hati budi masing2 sbb may b dgn cara ni aku rase baik tuk kitaorg....rasanye lh

i admit, i felt so sad and ada jg nangis cuz m still love him, l love him so much (peh jiwang lh pulok...) but aku rasa our r/ship x sampai kemana klu kitaorg mcm ni slalu...like what hamzah said both of us ada EGO yg tinggi... whatever lh (alamak ni bukan sakit ati tp .... arggghhhh aku sdiri pun x tau nak clasify)

ok2 stop for now ...dia ajak on9 ni.....bye n selamat malam.

unsatissfaction

helo....lama rasanya x update blog di sebabkan busy yg memanjang...(eeeuukkk bz ker)....blog once again jd my besties di kala sunyi dan sepi (peh...jiwang lh tu)..stop nonsense hanah... lets start..

after a year x updated blog,banyak benda yg aku nak share ngan readers yg byk masa terluang utk bca blog aku...

firstly,well aku masi kat UITM KBM ni (sem 5)..masih menimba ilmu kala teman2 yg lain dh keja tp no worries my besties maseh study gak so ok lh tu(saida tone)....aku masi lg stay ngan geng2 keras aku yg sama2 sewel ngan aku hahaha...mati aku klu depa tgok ni mesti depa mara kat aku tp aku pedulik ape...

ape aku ni merapu di kala petang yg menjelma ni?????ok hanah....back to main topic...


sebenarnye aku nak melahirkan unsatissfaction aku kepada insan yg bernama Hamzah(merangkap bf aku dulu tp skrg ???? aku pun x tau nk gelar dia ape dh...)
since aku ni jauh dr family n Avane...so aku pon xde cara lain nak luahkan ape yg terpendam...

i think issue panas antara kmi start 19/03/09... di mana aku dgn kbodohan aku telah beri satu kuiz utk mgtahui sejauh mane dia ingat kat aku... but in the end the results is he didn't even remember me ... sheeeettttt....but as usual aku sabo je...but then it become worst day by day..last skali dia msg ngan aku on Sunday.the message was like this...

hamzah : U, budak2 sekolah i kalah game rugby td. 3 kalah 1 menang :( .

hanah : takpe lh b, biase lh adat pmainan ada kalah ada menang...

then after tat, i never dpt msg satu pon dr dia...call lg lh..HARAM...

aku pon x fhm...rasanye aku x wat salah pape pon...gile ke ape!!!!!!!!!!!
then this morning...he really made me mad at him....gile..mmg kebudak-budakan tul...e2 kah yg nak dikatakan cikgu alaf baru...pemikiran yg cetek...daamm..

klu ye pon die nak lari dr hidup aku...at least ckp lh...aku x kesah lh klu nk ended this relationship cuz of org ke-3...pergi janaham lh die ngan pompuan yg runied this r/ship. aku pedulik ape...i have other things to wooried lh.... u didnt gv me any effect lg since 2nd break up...hahahaa... from now on..baik kite bawa haluan masing2 lh weh...p lh cr pompuan yg tahan ngan sikap ang tu..wa dh x pedulik and dun u ever2 check ape2 lg ttg aku...blah lh kau dr hidup aku..u shud noe dis "ur alexandria walks away and no more turn back"

hamzah : u noe sumthing,u dun even noe anything about me...

aku harap kau bahagia ngan die,aku InsyaALLAH akan bahagia ngan Life aku...

Monday Blues

Its Monday..... Some people said Monday is the most boring days in a week..yap..might be because since Sunday still is holiday so most of them still in the mood of holiday.But for me, it just same and there is no differences. But, different people, different perception, right? so depends la....
Fews week back i just received a photo of my ex-bf and his daughter. Well, actually its hurt me so much thats why i need time to share my feelings. I'm felt terrible but still can handle it., and i realize the fact now, the fact that HE IS NOT BELONG TO ME. I'm happy for him, i know who he is...and of course he loves his daughter so much. His wife? huhuhuhu... I don't care about her at all but for me she is very lucky to have him. well friends... this is the photo...

see his face can tell his happiness rite?.......I know he is happy......some of my friends asked me whether i hate him or not? No, I never hate him instead I'm happy for him and i hope he is happy with his NEW LIFE now ! For me, everything happens because there is a reason, a reason that only GOD knows.